504. Beware My Cheating Bart

2318Original airdate: April 15, 2012

The premise:
Jimbo threatens Bart into being his surrogate to take his girlfriend Shauna to all the things he doesn’t want to go to, which results in a weird, inappropriate relationship between them. Meanwhile, Homer buys an expensive treadmill only so he can binge watch a LOST “parody” on its built-in TV.

The reaction: “Doesn’t anyone here realize I’m only ten years old?” Bart quips halfway through the episode. I feel like he’s addressing the writers here, because this is yet another instance of putting Bart in a situation better suited for a high school story, probably the most extreme one yet. I usually try to avoid direct compare and contrasts to past episodes, but seeing as this is the second show featuring Bart’s infatuation with an older girl who’s dating Jimbo, that’s just far too specific to not have in my mind. Ah yes, “New Kid on the Block,” airing nearly twenty years earlier, featured Bart’s youthful crush on cool new neighbor Laura Powers, who impresses him with her knowledge of schoolyard pranks and ability to use bullies’ mind tricks against them. On the other hand, who is Shauna, Jimbo’s new flame? A teen skank? We don’t get much out of her other than her occasional flirtatious nature, so Bart’s interest in her is nowhere near as believable as Laura’s was. Also, the set-up: Jimbo has Bart spend time with Shauna because he’s a non-threatening “pre-puber,” and Shauna initially thought he was a second grader, but halfway through the episode she flashes him her boobs and they start secretly making out. Gross gross groooosssss. The bullies’ ages have always been nebulous (Kearney is a father, after all), but Shauna seems like she’s probably fourteen, fifteen max? Locking lips with a kid? Weird. And as we’ve seen in the past, Bart oscillates from acting like a little boy to an older kid with a girlfriend, from happily going up and down the slide to eagerly anticipating his next make-out sess. Halfway through, they have an extended section where Bart appears to be slightly traumatized after being flashed, but this is dropped pretty quickly after he, for some reason, urges Shauna she can do better than Jimbo. Maybe the episode could have been about Bart not wanting to grow up so fast, like his own “Lard of the Dance.” Instead we get him playing mouth hockey with a girl in a two-piece bathing suit who looks like a high schooler. I repeat: gross gross GROSS.

Three items of note:
– The B-plot is pretty boring. Once again, the show is late to the party, as LOST went off the air two years earlier. I imagine this story came about from one of the writers binge-watching the show after not having watched it first run. So Homer very quickly just stops using the treadmill, and Marge, for some reason, is too much of a dope to figure out the obvious truth (“I guess the weight will come off all at once one day in the future!”) She’s upset when she finds Homer just watching TV in the basement, then later she’s not mad when she wants to have sex when the kids are out of the house, but Homer is too engrossed in the show. She ends up blurting out spoilers for the series finale, and then in the last scene, as Homer previously was murmuring to himself about killing his wife for spoiling a TV show for him, Marge gives her husband LOST-themed sexy times and it’s all okay. I’m not even upset about Homer getting rewarded after being a jackass because the plot is barely developed enough to be mad about. Also, we get a scene with Jimbo dangling Bart out of the treehouse outside the open master bedroom window. So I guess Marge is aware her son is being physically abused, and Bart and Jimbo can see her in her negligee about to have sex with Homer, and both parties are cool with that. Why not.
– The opening act features a beginning that explains too much, and an end than explains too little. Bart and Milhouse run into the bullies and Shauna at the movie theater. Dolph explains they’re going to see a foreign horror movie while pointing at the poster, who then just explains all the jokes that are written on the poster. Meanwhile, Shauna mentions she wants to see a Jennifer Aniston movie where she rolls her eyes on the poster, then gestures to a movie poster where you see that. This whole section feels like it’s out of Big Bang Theory or something, this stilted sitcom-level over-explaining dialogue. You’re almost waiting for the laugh track to show up. Later on, Bart gets Shauna out of trouble with mall security by taking the fall for her shoplifting. He’s worried about getting beat up by Jimbo, but it just seems like such weak motivation, especially considering earlier this season the bullies were his lackeys in that Teddy Roosevelt episode. Then, there’s an explosion inside mall jail and Bart just runs out. No explanation whatsoever, they couldn’t even be bothered to write a joke for that moment, just move on, no one will care.
– The dinner table scene with Bart seeing breasts everywhere is such easy material. The cookies with chocolate nipples, Grampa offering (chicken) breasts and calling him a boob… like, so, so easy. It just reminds me of that great scene in “Duffless,” the Clockwork Orange parody where Bart’s reaching for the cupcakes and falls to the floor, traumatized. I have no fucking idea how they got away with a joke like that in 1993. To go from that to this kind of amateur hour is pretty sad to me.

One good line/moment: Though it definitely runs twice as long as it probably should, the Bill Plympton couch gag was pretty entertaining. Seeing Homer fuck his beloved couch, have a little chair baby, and it attempt suicide by throwing itself in the maw of a garbage truck as its baby is in tears was pretty shocking stuff, but in a good way, in my opinion.

503. Them, Robot

2317Original airdate: March 18, 2012

The premise:
Mr. Burns replaces the entire power plant staff with robots, leaving Homer as the sole human employee to monitor them. As other businesses follow Burns’ model and the town becomes more desolate, Homer finds himself bonding with his new robotic co-worker.

The reaction: Way back when this first aired, I was asked to help cover this for the Crazy Noises column on Dead Homer Society. Having not watched a new episode in years, I was absolutely flabbergasted at the sub-basement-level of quality before my eyes. Now, having seen every episode before this, I’m not as aghast, but only because my expectations are at the proper low, low, loooooowww level. In this new science fiction universe that used to be Springfield, the entire power plant is run by hyper-intelligent robots, and Homer is chosen to be their supervisor because he burst in Burns’ office to yell at him. It doesn’t matter. Brent Spiner is the voice of the robots, who does a fine job delivering the very basic humor of robots interpreting things literally. Outside the plant, we see Marge and the kids wander through the desolate town, with Marge bemuses the 99% unemployment rate. So, how exactly do these two stories correlate? I was bullshitting the premise up there when I wrote it; we don’t actually see other business hiring robots, nor is it even implied. It’s just Burns fires everyone at the plant, and all of a sudden everyone in Springfield is out of work. That’s it. There is absolutely zero connective tissue between these two plot points. After that, Homer drills holes in all the robots after learning they want to abolish beer, and then then turn murderous and have buzzsaw arms and cut off part of Homer’s skull… yawn. Like, what the fuck is this? He runs to Burns’ mansion, who for some reason lets him in and the two become buddy partners. Then for no reason, the unemployed masses arrive to bust in Burns’ greenhouse and destroy the robots, and then for no reason, Burns gives everyone their jobs back. Problem solved! So, so terrible. This was shitty when I watched it then, and it’s the same watching it now. The only difference is I’m not as disappointed.

Three items of note:
– As is normally the case, the opening story before the actual plot begins is incredibly superfluous. As alcohol is considered a drug in the eyes of the plant, Homer must survive the weekend prior to the plant physical sober. He then finds out he’s going to have to go to brunch with Patty & Selma. This is like a classic set up; the two hags get under his skin, he tries to resist a drink, drama, tension, etc. Instead, Patty & Selma literally say nothing, and the joke involves Marge screaming at Homer for eating all the food that has booze in it. Mimosa! Irish coffee! Cherries jubilee! Lists are funny, right? In the end, his physical doesn’t even matter. Burns is made liable for medical expenses thanks to his unsafe working conditions, leading to him hiring the robots. You really could have done this set-up one of two ways: he either buys the robots because he doesn’t want to deal with safety concerns, or he doesn’t want to deal with the incompetence of the human worker. Both of these seem simple and effective enough; instead it’s like we did a weird unnecessary zig zag.
– This show has its fair share of elongated sequences that go on so long it makes me want to die, but this episode probably has the most of them that I can recall. The loud echoing “D’oh!” throughout the town, Homer reading the tax code, Marge’s aforementioned food list, Homer screaming “Working hard or hardly working?” at the robot, Lenny and the smallest violin (probably the most unnecessarily prolonged bit in the show’s history), and the robots running in the street after Homer and being hit by cars. If I’ve learned one thing from this show, it’s that when you don’t have things like a good story or good jokes, killing time is hard.
– They make a solid point in the episode to talk about how the robots can only move off on a yellow line on the floor. Then we see Homer has drawn a line from out of the plant and onto a baseball field. Not only are there players in the outfield with no line, then later we get the long bit of robots going into the road, who just walk with no regard for the line or not. Are they programmed to break protocol to save a human life? That doesn’t sound like a very Burns thing to me. Or whatever. You can’t just introduce a rule and then break it barely a minute after you say it.

One good line/moment: This is another tough one… man… Moe yelling at the Girl Scout was smirk-worthy (“I ain’t payin’! Two of my shortbreads were broken!”) Even though the joke is painfully set up. We see a flashback where we find how young Moe got his face mangled, then we fade to current Moe. Buuuuut just in case you didn’t get it, we have Marge follow up young Moe’s quote! (“I guess I’ll have to become beautiful on the inside!” “Which he didn’t.”) Wow, did you really need to ADR that bullshit so people wouldn’t miss why the joke was funny? …I take it back, there were no good moments.

502. How I Wet Your Mother

2316Original airdate: March 11, 2012

The premise:
To find the psychological reason behind Homer’s recent… ugh… bed-wetting problem, Professor Frink has the Simpson family enter Homer’s dreams.

The reaction: So, we’ve had a bunch of instances this season of the show trying to be culturally relevant multiple years after a phenomenon, but this is the granddaddy of them all: an Inception parody nearly two years after the film’s release. At this point, everyone and their mother had done one. In an era when regular people can create and upload content immediately online, you just can’t do topical content when your show takes nine months to make. But, Krusty already made it clear earlier in the season, the writers know this, and I guess they don’t care. So the psychological trauma needing to be addressed with dream therapy is caused by Homer suddenly… wetting the bed. There’s not much to really dwell on about this one. It gave the writers opportunity to write such home runs as “Why can’t I cork my wang wine?” because that’s how humans talk. I don’t even think characters in Kevin Smith movies talk like that. We also get Homer doing a sexy striptease with an adult diaper, which is maybe one of the most disturbing things I’ve seen in my whole life. Moving on quickly from that, the family enters Homer’s dreams, where they do their Inception set pieces, like skiing down a mountain, the looming city that folds in on itself, and slow-motion fight sequences when Chief Wiggum appears to fight Professor Frink for absolutely no reason. There’s no real attempts made to actually make jokes about the film, it’s just The Simpsons starring in Inception. Between the bed-wetting opening and this toothless Hollywood naval gazing, by the end we’re expected to care that Homer is being haunted by his child-like belief that he’s the reason his mother left them, but there’s just been too much nonsense to expect me to get sentimental at the very, very end. Plus, there’s been absolutely no clues or buildup to this conclusion, so it ends up coming off as just random. All in all, it just felt like a really long, really boring, and really bad Halloween segment, with a stream of urine jokes at the beginning. …no pun intended.

Three items of note:
– This episode is absolutely riddled with exposition. The whole first act of Homer trying to fix his problem on his own, it ends up leading to him talking to himself about what he should do or his new plan, or one scene where he talks to an imaginary six-armed Apu. Later, the family keeps parroting back the clues they get and what they mean, and the worst of all is when Lisa just happens to know about dream levels and just repeats the explanation lines from Inception. So it’s exposition taken from another movie’s exposition? Exposit-ception? …I’ll see myself out.
– This show has a (bad) habit of characters just showing up in scenes without reason either to give a random joke or to unnaturally push the story along. This might be the crowning example: as Marge takes a night walk after failing to be seduced by a diaper-clad Homer, Professor Frink literally falls out of the sky before her, having been exploded by [insert joke I forgot here]. He knows about Homer’s problem through Twitter, and, despite knowing nothing about why he’s doing it, pitches his dream machine thing to her. I guess this is kind of like the memory wipe machine he had in the Eternal Sunshine parody. Also, when did we get to the point where Professor Frink’s inventions actually work? I miss his malfunctioning psychotic Bobo robot and the malfunctioning Gamble-Tron 2000.
– In the end, the family is saved by Death on a jetpack, who we previously have seen throughout the different dreams, who ends up actually being Mona, Homer’s mother. Why exactly was she in a grim reaper costume? Because she’s dead? This also gives us a “joke” that’s been a huge gripe of mine about this show. Mona reveals herself and says she always lives on in Homer’s dreams. So, Homer is actually face-to-face with his dead mother, who he loved dearly. What do we get after that? A joke where Homer grows in dream hair, Marge cites it as Jennifer Aniston’s Friends hair, then Homer makes a Friends joke. These characters haven’t acted like normal human beings for years now, but it’s moments like this where it becomes the most apparent. Rather than react to amazing, emotional moments in a manner that makes sense, these characters are now just like walking non sequitur joke machines. There was a similar joke way back in “My Mother the Carjacker” when Homer and Mona reunite, and he ends up tearfully hugging a nearby bum, but this time, it’s even worse because a) it should be even more emotional since Mona’s dead, and b) Homer at least expressed his hesitation about opening himself up to his runaway mom before the bum joke. All this being said, when we get to Mona’s goodbye and we see the images of a younger Homer and Abe and she says she’ll always be with him, I can’t take it seriously because this show purposefully undercuts moments like this for no reason, thus making them completely hollow.

One good line/moment: One dream level the family enters is a recreation of an old Tracey Ullman short “Family Therapy.” I understand it’s pure fanservice, but it was still fun to see some elements of the prehistoric show redone, like the twister mouths and Homer’s old Walter Mattheau voice. I almost wish the animation had been even rougher and more accurate to the originals.

501. Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart

2315Original airdate: March 4, 2012

The premise:
Bart vents his frustration with his father through tagging a series of unflattering representations of him throughout the city. This creative spree comes to the attention of other street artists, who help arrange a solo show for Bart’s work.

The reaction: This episode almost feels like a checklist of a lot of the problems plaguing the show now. We start out with a couch gag themed after Game of Thrones, meaning they just re-did the Game of Thrones opening title sequence but with Springfield. That’s not a parody. It’s a re-creation. It’s an extended tribute to this show that the staff loves. Referencing something does not make it entertaining or funny. That’s some Friedberg/Seltzer shit. This leads right into our opening set piece, set at Springfield’s very own Trader Joe’s named… Swapper Jack’s. I guess we’re supposed to laugh because we recognize what it is? Again, it’s just a re-creation. Those poor background artists work so hard on these elaborate new settings, all for the purpose of nothing, aside from a few pithy comments that don’t even come close to actual satire. It also rings as more SoCal-izing of Springfield; I know Trader Joe’s has spread nationwide, but I had never heard of one before coming to LA. But as for the actual story, Homer gets mad at Bart and forces him to sleep in a rabbit’s cage (don’t really feel like going into that further), and in retaliation, he makes a bunch of stencils to enact his revenge, a parody of the Andre the Giant “OBEY” image, but with Homer’s face reading “DOPE.” Then, a montage, where we see the image is everywhere: coast guard flags, billboards, airplanes… two ten-year-olds manage to accomplish all this, somehow. Bart also apparently has some untapped art skills, as he also throws some Banksy-esque graffiti pieces into the mix. This calls the attention of some of the most famous street artists, who immediately offer to host a gallery show of his work. So, it’s another “Simpson is an instant success” story; once a normal rambunctious kid with an “El Barto” street tag, now Bart is an extremely skilled and talented artist. By the end of the show, Homer feels humiliated, and Bart makes it up to him by spray painting his car, exponentially increasing its value. So the conflict of the show was solved by Bart’s exorbitant wealth and success! This show feels more like wish fulfillment than satire.

Three items of note:
– As evidenced by the title, there is an Apu story in here, which is barely even a plot, as it lasts all of three scenes. The first as at the Swapper Jack’s when Apu is offended overhearing Homer saying he’s going to do all his shopping here from now on. But Springfield has a grocery store; the Kwik-E-Mart has usually been when the Simpsons need to pick up stuff quick. This ultimately leads to Homer and Apu having a little fight with toothpick swords. The “joke” is that it’s treated super seriously and goes through the motions of a typical movie sword fight. But, really, what’s going on in the minds of our characters? Why are they doing this? Once Apu gets Homer pinned, then what? He’s going to stab him multiple times with that little sword? Eight minutes later is our next scene, where a disheveled Apu attempts to rob the store, and new employee Snake talks him down. Clearly, this role-reversal is the only reason they did this. It might have been clever if it was set up at all. We don’t see the Kwik-E-Mart in financial crisis, or return to Swapper Jack’s at all since the opening, so it’s random and unexpected to just return there to continue this “plot.” Three minutes after that is our final scene: Apu is boarding up the Kwik-E-Mart when Manjula arrives to tell him Swapper Jack’s is going out of business for selling monkey meat. We don’t see that either. This “plot” is all just characters telling us things that happened. I’d say this story sounds way more interesting than the street art shit, but I’m sure if they devoted more screen time to it, I’d probably hate it just as much.
– So, we up our guest star count some more with the street artists: Kenny Scharf, Robbie Conal, Ron English, and, given the biggest role, Shepard Fairy. They show up, introduce themselves, talk about how cool street art is, and praise Bart for his work and offer him a show. Where’s the humor in all this? I loved Exit Through the Gift Shop, and honestly, if you’re a comedy writer and you can’t think of some solid jokes about the business and culture of street artists after watching that movie, you should probably be considering a new career. But as is the case with most guest stars now, their role is not to be mocked, or poke fun, or anything of any substance, just show up because we love you and the work you do, and say a few lines that sort of kind of mildly rib you a little but not really. I was stunned that they actually influenced the plot slightly in having Shepard be an undercover cop, but they over-explained the joke, and it was a joke they basically made in his first scene about him being hypocritical. Also infuriating is Bart not knowing who Shepard is, despite his “DOPE” piece being a riff off his “OBEY” piece, which he cites by name in his introduction.
– Through the whole show, Homer is painfully oblivious to the fact that it’s his face all over town. This is the sort of thing you’d play for laughs in one scene, let alone through the whole episode. They just keep stretching it out, to the point that Homer silences his own brain with beer to prevent him from hearing the truth. Then, with four or so minutes to go, Bart is awoke from a dream by his father strangling him, who has figured it out off-screen apparently. Then he’s just sad that Bart doesn’t respect him, and the two have a limp make-up at the end. It’s more of the show just going through the motions of these emotional beats just start and stop with no build up or motivation. Homer’s angry, and then he just switches to sad.

One good line/moment: The art show turned out to be a police sting. Lou appears as a centaur pointing a bow and arrow at Bart, which is weird. But then as the scene progresses, we see that Eddie was the horse end, and he detaches to handcuff Bart. The fact that it just happened unmentioned was a nice little background joke.

500. At Long Last Leave

2314Original airdate: February 19, 2012

The premise:
Sick of their decades of obnoxious and costly escapades, the town of Springfield collectively agrees to banish the Simpson family, who find themselves a new home in the lawless outskirts known as the Outlands.

The reaction: As we pass by more and more meaningless milestones, it only becomes more of a bummer that the percentage of actually decent episodes of the series as a whole shrinks more and more. These tentpole shows are doubly saddening in that they sort of reflect the scope of what the show thinks it is, and it’s always extremely divergent from the classic series we once knew. A clear example is the impetus for this story, wherein the citizens of Springfield hold a secret meeting to discuss throwing the Simpson family out of town. Their reasoning? Homer’s drunken escapades and Bart’s pranks have cost them all a fortune, and they just can’t take it anymore. So, multiple issues here. First, Springfield has always been a mob mentality town. They’re all mush-brained idiots who we’ve seen many, many times previous have their opinions swayed and cause mass destruction and chaos. There are alcoholic maniacs in town who are much more dangerous than Homer, and we’ve seen shenanigans the local bullies pull that are much worse than what Bart would do. But none of that matters. We’ve seen over the years that the Simpson family, particularly Homer, have gone from normal residents of this jerkwater berg, to being town-wide hated pariahs. What possible reason would Cookie Kwan have to viciously hate this family? Or Sideshow Mel? Or Rabbi freaking Krustofski? But whatever. The Simpsons stumble upon the Outlands by way of a dirty insane man pulling a gun on them, and they decide to move there… for some reason. We barely really see the Outlands to actually get a sense of what exactly the space is and why the family loves it there, because we get alternating jokes of them riding ATVs and motorbikes, and talking about coyotes stealing children and Maggie getting involved in knife fights. But the Outlands is so goddamn cool and popular, that eventually all of Springfield decides to move there… for some reason. Again, we don’t even know what the fuck this place is; by the end of the episode, Springfield is being rebuilt there. I dare say, this is a hundred times dumber than the ending of “Trash of the Titans”; as stupid as that was, at least it has a story and character motivation you could mostly follow. Like all episodes of this show now, this was a bunch of incomprehensible noise masquerading as a plot. And they end with a self-congratulatory card telling viewers to go outside for once before complaining on the Internet. Will do, guys, I already had my morning walk. Now that I’m back, I can say this episode was a piece of shit.

Three items of note:
– Flanders is the only person who arrives to come to the Simpsons’ defense. Quimby anticipated this would happen, so his rebuttal is to swing a gigantic wooden log down the aisle, hurtling the poor man out of the building and embedding him on a parked car outside. First off, if Quimby expected this, why not air the phony emergency warning at the Flanders house too? And where is Krabappel, Rod and Todd. And second, they’re throwing the Simpsons out for being violent and destructive, but it’s fine for the mayor to viciously attack an innocent man like that?
– WikiLeaks founder and piece of human garbage Julian Assange shows up in the Outlands, because why develop the people and culture at this awesome place that everyone ends up moving to when we could just insert another celebrity guest? He’s easily one of the worst performances we’ve seen from a guest star, but I guess I can’t blame him for that.
– There’s no funny scene or explanation of how Homer gets Marge into Springfield near the end, they’re just there, and we end with them having sex in their old bed. But the bullies show up to squat in the abandoned house, who then just disappear when Chief Wiggum and the entire town inexplicably show up. When Homer shouts that the Outlands is filled with “non-jerks,” everyone gasps, and Quimby mournfully admits that they are jerks. Apropos of absolutely nothing. Marge claims their new home is full of people who accept them, which we never saw, and she and Homer leave. Then all of the townspeople want to move to the Outlands for some reason. Homer rents a plane with a banner advertising it as “a great place to take drugs and shoot things.” Then we see they’re rebuilding Springfield there. There’s no connective logical tissue to any of this. Lisa, who previously enjoyed the serene quiet of being close to nature, now is frothing at the mouth to plug in her laptop and read her liberal op-eds. We then end on Skinner being the only one left in old Springfield, and Bart picking him up. “Come on, man, we wouldn’t leave you behind!” he calls to his best buddy. Sure, he runs him into a few buildings from a dangling rope, but this is the boy who envisioned snapping his principal in half with gigantic robot ants.

One good line/moment: As pictured above, they re-do the opening title with “The Outlands,” which to me, just plays as a hollow mimicry of “Cape Feare,” but the button at the end of it got a smirk out of me (“Ehh, I’m sick of watching fox.”)

499. The Daughter Also Rises

2313Original airdate: February 12, 2012

The premise:
Lisa falls for a boy named Nick, who seems to share her cultural and intellectual interests, until for some reason, he doesn’t. Meanwhile, Bart and Milhouse pull their own Mythbusters-esques experiments on urban legends from the schoolyard.

The reaction: Is this season getting worse? These last few episodes have just been absolutely abysmal, and now we see they can’t even handle a simple childhood romance without bungling it. Lisa has a random run-in with a boy at a restaurant in a self-declarative “meet-cute,” but of course, just because you are self-acknowledging isn’t an excuse for hacky writing. Nick, who I don’t believe gets a name until about halfway through, looks and feels a lot like Colin from the movie, but with even less personality. He constantly makes reference to Hemingway, he wears suits, and speaks and acts like a faux-intellectual thirty-year-old man, so he’s the perfect complement to modern day Lisa: boring, pretentious, unfunny. There’s two major shit elements of this show to discuss, so let’s start with the Nick character. We don’t see a whole lot of him, but for the first two-thirds, he’s Mr. Suave, super cool and collected. But then, apropos of nothing, when Lisa takes him off to a romantic spot, he becomes nervous and unsure of himself. I complain a lot about things happening for no reason, but this has got to be the worst example yet. There is literally no explanation given for this change in personality. They could have easily played it off as this kid talking a big game, but the moment the girl takes any initiative, he becomes super shy. But it’s not even that; the goodbye line they give Nick makes no sense whatsoever (“Lisa, I’m sorry that God gave me this gift of lying to girls… for a little while. I’ll see yah.”) What the fuck does that mean? Whatever. Going from baffling to aggravating is Marge’s behavior in the episode. From moment one we see her incredibly uncomfortable with Lisa liking a boy, because in this show, she’s a co-dependent maniac who can’t let her children be happy. That’s not subtext, it’s just text (“I don’t want you to spend so much time with this boy! If you do, it’ll mean you’re a separate person from me!”) The end of the episode features Marge hellbent on ruining Lisa’s attempt of her first kiss, then when Nick inexplicably leaves, gives her daughter a limp-wristed apology. They then turn it into an incredibly unearned sweet ending; Lisa wanted her kiss under a mulberry tree, because it’s supposed to connect the two people for life, so Marge kisses her forehead. So Marge gets what she wants despite her misguided and hurtful behavior throughout the episode. It’s like “The Food Wife” where her jealousy nearly got Homer killed and she learned nothing. I feel like this, “D’oh-cial Network” and “Rags to Riches” are like a unholy trifecta, three shit episodes in a row.

Three items of note:
– I don’t have much to say about the B-plot. It’s literally just Bart and Milhouse watching Mythbusters on TV (with a different name, but still guest starring the two guys) and recreating it on the playground. I was trying to think, has an episode done something like this before, based a plot around the kids emulating a specific movie or TV show like this? It feels like crappy cross-promotion, because they certainly don’t do anything close to actually parodying Mythbusters at all.
– So many scenes I could bitch about, but there’s one that really stands out, one of the most torturous, laborious jokes in recent memory. We pan past Lard Lad Donuts and the Try-N-Save to this quaint looking French corner cafe. Lisa comments, “This place is great! If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I’m in France!” So, we already get the joke. We see all these commercial garbage establishments, and we also see the buildings behind Lisa are in slight disrepair, so we can see it’s a nice restaurant in a crappy, low-class area. But oh no, we can’t quit now, we could milk this for screen time. So we have a POV from Lisa where we see her hands covering the sides of her vision, so she’s staring right at Nick. We then pan left, back to center, right, back to center, left, center, right, center again, as we see violence and vagrancy going on on the side and alleyway of the restaurant. This whole thing is a very, very, very long twenty-five seconds, and wholly unnecessary given we got the joke before the bit even started. So, so fucking terrible.
– The impetus for Lisa to run away for her grand romantic gesture is weird. Inspired by her granddaughter’s love for whatever reason, Grampa tells her the old Greek tale of Pyramus and Thisbe, which Romeo & Juliet was partially based on, about two star-crossed lovers whose parents didn’t approve of their union. One odd note is we see two looming shadows over Lisa and Nick, but they’re of Homer and Flanders. First, it’s weird it’s not Marge, but through the episode, Lisa seems more concerned about Homer making her look foolish, and doesn’t really regard her mother’s horrible attitude much. Also, we never see Nick’s parents; he seemed to be at the restaurant at the beginning all by himself. Is he a pod person? It would make his behavior make a bit more sense. Also, the fantasy sequence depicts the two of them older, like pre-teen age, and seeing them make out at the end felt uncomfortable. Chalk this one up as another example of the writers wanting to write these characters older.

One good line/moment: I’m stretching hard here. I liked the beginning with Homer and Bart at the fun zone, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. I like seeing those two get along in a believable, father-son way.

498. Moe Goes From Rags to Riches

2312Original airdate: January 29, 2012

The premise:
Moe’s bar rag (voiced by Jeremy Irons) waxes nostalgic on his past experiences throughout major events in history all around the world. Meanwhile, Milhouse breaks up with Bart for no reason.

The reaction: There’s been a lot of garbage nonsense this season, but this has got to be the most baffling of them all. I honestly don’t have a problem with the talking bar rag on its own, but the plot they do with it goes nowhere and has no real point. The rag tells stories of the past: part of a tapestry created for a ruthless tyrant, used by Michelangelo while painting the Sistine Chapel, used as rag soup during the Great Depression? But at least half of the stories barely feature the rag, and some don’t even at all. The segments feel like cutting room floor material from one of those three/four-story episode, with Springfield residents filling in for historical characters (or fantasy characters, like the Arabian Nights segment. Real, fake, who cares?) Oh, and also a Treehouse of Horror-level of violence featuring hangings and beheadings. And what’s the point of all this? The bar rag feels abused and mistreated, and that’s about it. Moe laments that the rag is his only friend, until the very end where we see that Marge inexplicably took the rag when he was sleeping in the backroom of the bar (how she got in, why Moe was sleeping there… who knows) and washed it for him. See, he’s got friends! Moe is the creepy pervy bartender who has made countless untoward advances on her and who runs a bar that keeps her husband away from her and their children for days at a time, but it’s cool! It makes total sense for Marge to just steal and wash Moe’s filthy bar rag! Whatever. Then we have the Bart/Milhouse B-story, which is easily the most painful plot I’ve seen in a long time. Every word out of each character’s mouth feels so alien and out-of-character, and especially does not feel like dialogue coming from ten-year-olds. Their banter means nothing because the conflict arose from nothing. Each scene is just start and stop, and ends with Milhouse inexplicably summoning Drederick Tatum punching Bart in the arm off screen and the plot is over. Worse even still, the two plots don’t connect whatsoever, which feels especially jarring when we cut from the fantasy stuff back to the present over and over. And surely this could have tried to connect thematically? Maybe the bar rag was lamenting relationships it had had in the past and lost, and how precious true friendship really is, and that affecting Bart and Milhouse’s squabbles? But perhaps I’m asking way too much. This has got to be one of the worst episodes so far; with most shows I can at least strain to see the most basic story elements and the razor thing connective tissue feebly holding them together. I can’t see any of that here; I just can’t make sense of any of this fucking junk.

Three items of note:
– I suppose I should be thankful the episode abandoned reality right from the start, when a town hall meeting at Moe’s turned into a spontaneous dance party to Lionel Richie, with the artist himself actually there himself. And then Homer walks and dances on the ceiling. I guess this is funny because it’s like “Dancing on the Ceiling”? Ugh.
– No matter how hard I strain, I just can’t find any kind of thematic thread with the historical stories. The first involves peasant Marge being possessed by demon wool (?) to work years on an elaborate tapestry, only to be burned alive in her home by King Burns, who then ends up being hung by said tapestry. Then there’s the Arabian Knights one where Sultan Nelson gets beheaded by his harem of girls. Then more death, despair, death, and lastly Homer climbing Everest with the cloth as a flag, which is stolen off his body by a Moe-faced yeti who gives it to his Moe-faced child. So, is the bar rag extremely jaded by the life its led that sopping up booze and blood at a bar isn’t so bad? Again, I wouldn’t have a problem with a talking raga as a concept if I even came close to understanding what the fuck the point of it was.
– The Bart/Milhouse story is so, so, so bad. The writing is awful enough, but it feels like it was recut and rewritten as well. The timing of their initial squabble feels weird. Bart makes a dig at Milhouse, and Milhouse laughs at it, and then he just stops and is immediately angry, beginning a long sequence of very un-Milhouse lines (“Not anymore. Friendship over.”) That line, and several others from these scenes, were definitely rewritten in post because the lip sync doesn’t match. I can’t even imagine how poor these scenes must have been before they scrambled to rewrite it. And again, Drederick Tatum just shows out of nowhere at the very end, willing to punch a child on Milhouse’s beck and call. Brilliant storytelling. Just brilliant.

One good line/moment: I got nothing for this one. Just wholly confusing and unpleasant from start to finish.